Are we Friends?

As I sat down this morning with my cup of chai and ignoring the several "friend" requests on FB...I wondered what the word friend means now. All these social networking sites have revolutionized the word "friend". So what defined a friend in the good old days..or lets say even three years ago. There are as many definitions of friends as there are clouds in the sky. But for now lets go to the internet our only trusted source of information today. According to the free web dictionary a simple definition of friend is someone you know well, like and trust. Know well- that would mean I have met this person at least more than once, spent at least more than 20 minutes talking to them. Like would mean I know how they react in certain social situations,behave, and maybe have common interests. Trust would mean that they have my best interest at heart and vice-versa.

Now lets define a friend in todays world of social networking sites like Facebook. Take a typical scenario on a friday night - You are invited to a party by a coworker, Melinda. You are not sure if you should go or not as you do not know any of her friends. You decide to make excuses of a dog wash night and then soon realize that your coworker probably remembers last weeks lunch conversation on how you are allergic to pets. So, you decide to wash your hair instead and head out the door with a bottle of wine in hand. As you stand at the door about to ring the door bell you have thoughts of turning around and walking away. But somehow your index finger reaches out and presses the doorbell faster than your feet can turn around. As you walk in the door you are introduced to multitudes of people. From the many short conversations of the night(longest lasting 3.5 minutes) people were like "Oh yeah, I have seen your posts on melinda's wall" You have an amazing sense of humor" and oh I loved the purple top you wore last week to your work party", "you look so much like your mom", and "how was your trip to Hawaii last month- loved your Pink bikini- btw did you buy it here in LA", "was that your boyfriend with you in Hawaii- he's so hot and cute". Wow, is this for real, it seems like all these people already knew you- your clothes, your vacations, your love interests maybe they even know what you had for breakfast(if you tweet)..Yikes! and you thought you were new to the world of FB. You had just recently started to figure your way around the profiles, how to write on another peoples walls instead of replying back on your own wall, the status updates and most of all the privacy settings. You didn't realize how much personal info you had displayed on FB that your friends friends seemed to know everything about you. As you stand flabbergasted, there's a flash and you realize you have been pulled into yet another group shot. During the shot one person is screaming don't you dare this put this on FB, while the photographer is screaming "Facebook" instead of Cheese. There were more pictures taken of you tonight than the day you graduated from college surrounded by "friends". Dazed and confused you try and remember all the names of people in your head on the drive back home. As you plop on the couch at the end of a long evening, you decide to log into FB and see for yourself what all is up for public display in the world of FB. As you log in you see 20 friend requests from the people you met at the party tonite. One of them even has a message inviting you to their 30th b'day party the next night. Isn't this a big event, don't they just want their close friends there? Well who cares what they want....What do you want? Do you add them or not? are they really your friends now? Do you really want them commenting on your every picture, do you ant them to hit the LIKe button everytime you post a status update or comment on how anorexic you look when they barely know you. But without much thought you decide to add them, as it would reflect badly on Melinda if you ignored them or gave them only partial access to things. Hence, starts the era of a new "friendship"....and you start rummaging thru your mind as to what you will wear to your "friends" birthday party the next night...wait whose party was it again? Oh well, who cares will know more when I get there, but for now let me write on Melinda's wall and see if we can go together to the party....

The word friend has become such a loose term now that we have forgotten the true meaning of friendships. Sometimes we end up caring more about what the virtual friends think and see of us. Twitter at least does not lead you into believing that your friends are following you, or you are following a friend. You are just a follower and you have access to everything from what they ate to what they are wearing to if today is the day they cut their toe nails. Do we really as a society care to know all these things about people and most importantly why? When you look at the number of people that join these sites daily- the answer is a resounding YES!

Social networking sites like Twitter, FB, myspace, friendster have definitely made the world a smaller place but its also made it more open for everyone to peak into our lives. Our parents always warned us of the social effects of telling people too much of what's going on in our lives. Before people would gossip to find out more information about people, but anymore so they don't have to. We actually invite them in our lives with a click of a button and give them an open access to our lives, whether it be people that we met thirty years ago(wait that would make me 7 back then...hmm),people that we met once, our chiropractor, yoga instructor, doctor, maybe even our bus driver. Where does this end? I do not think this social phenomenon will end anytime soon. We as a society always choose to go to the dark side of everything before we start retracing our steps and getting back to the world of normalcy.

Today we are defined by the number of friends we have on FB, how many people follow us on twitter, and how many people subscribe to our blog rather than the true friends that we can sit with and have a cup of chai on a friday afternoon. If only we could sit and sip chai with our true friends, maybe the meaning of friendship will shine thru the tea leaves...

Have a great day my friend!

To belong....Finally!

So we received our citizenship interview letter this weekend and it set off a slew of emotions and thoughts thru my mind from shock to disbelief to amazement to immense joy all in a matter of seconds.  At first I could not believe the day was here where I was actually holding this letter and a million questions started racing thru my mind at once- is it for real?...is it really in writing...wow!!  I must have read it 50 times over to make sure they had not made a mistake....  Its been 23 years since I came to this country(legally)...23 years....thats more than half my life.  A thought that was in the back of my mind the day I sat down and buckled my seat belt on that zambia airways flight in 1986 to travel to an unknown land of opportunity. I didn't know it then, and am just barely getting the grasp of the events of the past  23 yrs and the moments leading up to this day.  I always knew that the number 23 had a special magical way of following me in my journey of life.. If I had known then that it was gonna be 23 yrs later that I finally would belong to this country..  would I have stuck with this path in life or decided to give up and move on?  After all.. there were many other places in the world that offered opportunity...but somehow my life's journey was meant to keep me on this path and experience all that I have been offered - good and bad.

After the initial set of flurry of emotions my mind started to wander as to what this letter really means to me..Is this it-  Does this mean I finally belong to someplace, can I officially call it home( a feeling that I have possessed and felt for years but was never reciprocated the same way by the US immigration system..), can I finally vote for the first time in my life.  This is more than just a passport, there are so many feelings attached to this letter.  

Born in India, raised in Africa, always living under the fear of being kicked out from your foreign home country, moving to the US with hopes of a better education.  As I moved thru the US education system a wave of knowledge flooded my mind on how to progress through the visa system- F1, to H1 to the ultimate ticket to freedom...THE GREEN CARD.  So many tested times to reach the green card stage.  Offers of home created green cards and marriage proposals (I am sure in jest..at least so I think)offered by friends and coworkers. But the hardest time was 2001, where all visa doors seemed to be closing in on us and looked like hope was running out...Was it time...the time for them to kick me out of this country, where do I go, what will I do, how will I adjust in a land unfamiliar to me....  But we survived one more curve in the road and continued on our Green card journey.  I think my dream of the green card seemed so unachievable at times that this day is truly a dream come true!!  BTW..on a funny note..I was shocked the day I learned the green card was actually not green!!

So where does one really belong to:  is it where you they were born or where they were raised or where their parents reside?  Is there any one good answer?  What is that gives a person a sense of belonging?  And I am not talking about ones heritage or culture, that is something that is ingrained in their upbringing and their value system.  My heritage has never been a question in my mind throughout this whole process.  That is something that was always very very clear in my mind but this sense of belonging always mystified me...

 

Life has a way of working things out and and with  love, support, hope and most of all faith...anythings achievable. I am not sure I know the answers to all of the above questions or will ever know but I do know today....that I belong here...right here with my three angels.   Angels that have been sent from above to love me for life and make my life complete and whole in a place that I can call home...Officially!!! 

Example By parents...

Started of my morning reading/seeing an article that deeply disturbed me. People, are so hard to understand..why do they do what they do. It makes you question, if you ever really knew them at all, was everything they did and said lies? Are people born devious or does their environment steer them that way? Is there a moment of weakness between doing whats right and whats wrong. When kids do something wrong, you for once can even forgive them and move on but when adults do wrong..where does one go? Do parents not have a responsibility towards their kids? If they do not teach them by values and ethics and example...who will? Don't parents realize how much of an influence they have on their kids and how kids look up to them.

Kids live by their parents example, and we as parents always need to remember that...even in those moments that we might be on the brink of faltering... we should stop and think what will this do to the future of our kids, what will this do their mindset, their faith in us, their future hopes, dreams, desires, relationships. Since the day they are born we have dreams, aspirations, of what they will be and what they will become. We as parents cannot continue to tell our kids what to do..we have to show them what to do. If they see us reaching for the sun, they themselves will be more inclined to reach for them too. We have to teach them that they may fail, but guess what they will land among the stars. And part of not achieving their goal is also a learning process- sometimes we win and sometimes we just try harder next time.

When parents do wrong, its also the kids that get lost along the way. The kids are the ones that do not comprehend of why something was done. They have to deal with the watchful and judgmental eyes of the society that they live in. They feel this sudden loss of friends/home/life as they knew it because of no fault of their own. I feel bad for the kids involved and the bad choices that their parents made and now they have to live with their mistakes forever. The mental footprints, that mistakes like these leave on the kids minds is unerasable. Parents may move away, and take all that they have with them..but can they give back the future moments/relationships that they have stolen from their kids. How do these kids cope with this sudden loss of their lives....

So before we parents judge our kids actions/mindframes..we should look inside ourselves and see where exactly we stand on certain issues in life. We are growing alongside our kids and as we ask ask them to strive higher and higher in life they are watching us with their innocent watchful eyes to see what we do in our lives....Live by example and not always by words!

I hope the kids of these households find peace within themselves one day. I also wish them lots of strength and positive energy to deal with all the harsh looks/comments that are gonna be coming their way for the rest of their lives. I wish those kids a new beginning within finding themselves from within!

Parenting...

As I sit down with my cup of chai this morning....the usual rituals of hurry up, get your jacket, the bus will be here any minute, did you brush your teeth, did you pick your jammies of the floor, finish your milk, put the plate in the sink, eat your vitamins please..hurry up the bus is nearly here...my hubby gives me the look of.."Are you possessed babe" and mind you this is a daily look! That gets me to start thinking of the big picture....but before I can think of the big picture I have to go backwards and realize I need a few more snaps of the past to carry me forward!

I have to be honest ..the first time I found out I was pregnant I was not only scared but not sure I even wanted to be there. But after a few weeks, when I thought I was gonna lose the baby I realized I wanted it more than anything in the world. The first time to feel that flutter, and the kick was a feeling that I still miss. I walked around every day feeling so special to be carrying this special thing inside of me. I felt like a baker hoping it would turn out just right as long as I didn't open the oven in the middle. After many trips to the ER with pre-term labor, I was able to keep the baking going 39 weeks. Out came this lil amazing being- I was so in awe and amazement on what we had baked together!
Needless to say the first few weeks were the hardest things I have had to endure with wow..they sleep so little, they poop so much, they cry so much, the projectile elements from both ends. Did everyone forget to mention this small minute minuscule detail to us. If they had mentioned these little facts maybe I would have slept a lil more(even thought a rib was nearly piercing my stomach- i would have thought how comfortable at least I am in bed), gone out to eat a lil more..just maybe I might have been a little better prepared. But then again is anyone really ready for the most daunting, challenging task? This little thing was amazing but a lot of hard work..I have to admit at one point as I mistakenly walked into a wall in the middle of the night feeling like a zombie from the Night of the living dead.....I was ready to take this precious little bundle back to the hospital and say this was not my kid- she is fair, and has eyes bluer than the carribean ocean waters. There must be some sort of mixup and they gave me the wrong cake..oops I mean baby! I am indian for god sakes- we have brown or black eyes where did these come from? But she was short and she was hairy..so we convinced ourselves she was our lil muffin. Six weeks later, and that first beautiful smile that I got..made it all worthwhile. Eevry week after that was a sense of enjoyment and pleasure like no other- the first words, the first laugh, teh first steps, the first hugs, the first tears. There were so many firsts..and still continue so... For many years after that, every time someone said .."guess what..I'm pregnant"- I heaved a sigh of relief...thanx god..its not me!
But then we decided to bake another cake...and we ended up with a blue eyed baby boy. But this time there was no questioning- we knew this lil bundle of joys was ours! By this time we knew the drill of eating, sleeping, crying,pooping, throwing up. We had become smarter and faster in our knee jerk movements on how to dodge incoming objects during diaper change times or projectile throw-up times....Sorry a little graphic but when you are a parent of a newbie..you would be amazed at the topics you can talk about to a total stranger.. Also the older sibling has such a feeling of joy and to see the love in her eyes every time she looked, held or kissed her lil bro was priceless.

Now I realize after 10 yrs since the first baking process started that the baking didn't stop there. It is an ongoing continuous process of decorating and icing and coming to the realization that there still several years before these cakes are ready for the bakery. I feel that if we raise two individuals that maybe are not the most talented or the smartest and don't go to the best Ivy league schools but are nice caring respectful human beings -I have succeeded as a parent. I feel in this world today its important to be a good person as it is so easy to lose oneself. I would like them to be self confident and know that they are capable of doing anything ...and I mean anything. They just need to believe in themselves and their capabilities. I want them to find their passion in life and follow it. If there is passion, everything else will fall into place. Their passion is what is gonna carry them thru the tough times when they think they just can't go on anymore. There is a calling for everyone...and we need to help that find that calling!

As a parent we hope and pray that we are steering our kids in the right direction by giving them a good set of values and beliefs. They are in our kitchen and it is up to us how we want to decorate them without compromising their true flavor in the process. We have to make sure our decorating complements each individual cake as every cake is different. If every cake looked and tasted the same..life would be so boring.
Every parent does the best they can do, with the information that they are given at that very moment. Some kids do grow up and blame their parents for what they did and did not do - how one sibling is loved more than than the other. But is that truly possible..is it? If one had to choose which leg they liked better - would they be able to choose. We need both our legs to walk, they are both just as precious..Sometimes as adults we forget what our parents must have gone thru to bring us up. The sleepless nights, the throw-ups, the tantrums, worried sick nights as the kid is lying sick- every parent has done their due diligence - so why does one assume that we are doing such a better job with our kids than our parents did. The parenting style has changed over the years and thats just a part of progression of the culture. We try to be friends to our kids whereas our parents were too busy to trying to achieve a better lifestyle for their kids.

I am who I am today because of my special parents. We don't and haven't always seen eye to eye. But then they are parents and I know they want the best for me...They have sacrificed a lot in life to make me what I am today. They have given me everything in life I have ever wanted. They have been my friends to the extent that they knew how. And over time I have come to realize that everything that I used to fight with them about growing up...they were right in their decision. I wish they had been selfish and kept me with them and not sent me to the US. When I think of what If's...my heart breaks and wonders what the solution is. Is their a viable solution? and if so what is it? I truly love them and cherish them with every shred of my heart!
I feel if I am half the parent to my kids that my mom and dad were to me...I will be the Head Chef in the best bakery in town!

Hmm...slice of cake sounds about good right now!!

Do people like Dr. House really exist?

There are days when we wish we had all the answers, and knew exactly where we are headed. Do people join medicine for the love of money or for the love of curing people. Lately, I have started to wonder. Are we just a number in their office and I do not mean a call number but a dollar number. Wouldn't it be nice to have a medical system that looked at a person WHOLEistically....

I am sure there are lots of people out there like me...who are frustrated more than anything about getting the run around from one place to another and from one doctor to another. Is that really the solution? Don't they think that all these symptoms might really be a way of a persons body reacting to one thing...and maybe there is one answer. The human body is a very complex yet smart creation. It has a way of telling you that somethings not right..and our job is to figure it out. The doctors easy solution lies in looking at your body in pieces and ignoring the whole. They would rather move you along..its kind of like the game I played of pass the parcel when I was little. Except in this case I am the parcel...

And when they have exhausted their time with you(which could be a whole 10 minutes) they do proceed to tell you that its probably all in your head. I know the human mind is an amazing thing with very powerful characteristics...but can you actually simulate physical signs? Maybe they want us to believe in the power of the secret and if we believe we are okay..we will really be okay! It works..it really does to a certain extent...but then when the underlying factors start flaring up again- you wonder..you really wonder if your mind is not powerful enough! Maybe its not your body that has the problems but your mind.

Well...another day..another round of passing around from here to there. There is not much one can do but face every moment with a smile and say I am strong and I can do this! I will not let people pull me down! Life is too precious a gift to be thrown away! Use the love of the people in your life to stay strong, focused and motivated to find a solution!

I can barely feel the warmth of my chai cup anymore...down to the bottom but never out!! Till tomorrow! Huggs ...

To Blog or Not to Blog....That is the Question!!

So I sit here truly writing my first blog and am wondering why I am doing this. Maybe because lately I have had so many thoughts and not known how else to express them except write them down. Is blogging the answer? Is that what makes the mind feel lighter and feel like you just had a thought release process. But can one really write freely, without the judgemental thoughts of others? Is that whay one resorts to the cold hard world of the world wide web! Are we to scared to express those thoughts freely with the people in our real world?To blog or not to blog is the question..well lets give it a try and see where this goes....and if I will be able to express honestly and openly! I will try and write a daily does of blog just like I have MY MORNING CUP OF CHAI!

The few poems that I wrote a few weeks ago, were all because of my mental state at that point. So many thoughts...:the desire to understand the human mind and what makes it tick, the feeling to run fast and hard and let the mind just go blank so there is nothing but the adrenaline rush, to be sitting and digging my feet in the white pristine sandy beach looking out to endless turqoise blue waters, feeling the susurrous of the wind and listening to the rustle of the white curtains behind me...

So I look forward to my next cup of chai tomorrow morning...

Oh The Feeling!

OH THE FEELING!

Wanna run
Run till I feel the wind gushing past me

Wanna run
Run on the beach and feel the sand slipping under my toes

Wanna run
Run through the forest and hear the trees rustling

Wanna run
Run in the rain till I feel the raindrops lashing against my skin

Wanna run
Run till I feel a high

Wanna run
Run till my mind is free

Wanna run
Run till I can’t breathe no more

Run..Run… Run
How I miss that feeling….
Of the gusty winds
Of the rustling trees
Of the lashing raindrops

And the feeling that I just can’t stop!

The Human Mind

The Human Mind

How does it decide when to love and when to hate

How does it decide the time to be good and the time to be bad

How does it decide to be nice versus being mean

What makes us happy and yet sad at the same time

What does it remember and what does it try to forget

What makes it tick and what makes it think



Are we devious by nature or is it our minds

Are we responsible for our thoughts or is it our mind that we blame..

Are we what we think, or are we ,what we are made to think



Do we control the mind or does the mind control us?

If we could control our minds would we want to be able to?

Would we want to choose right against wrong

Would we be strong enough to make the choice

The choice could be harder than we imagine



Mind- the all powerful tool

A tool that so many of us waste..

If we could control and choose to control ,

Maybe just maybe we and this world would be better.